Moving Beyond the 4F-s of Abuse

There are few people in whom the recent Harvey Weinstein story and its fallout did not strike a chord. Beyond personal reasons, many people see systemic reasons to think about it and shed light on how abuse is handled in the workplace across the industries. One imperative that emerges from these stories is for Human Resources departments to get involved and stop turning a blind eye, or worse, collude with the ‘blame the victim’ campaign.

We are also reminded of the psychology of the ‘4F’ theory of human responses to trauma – fight, flight, freeze or fawn – which are all healthy responses to an unhealthy situation. However, there is little discussion about what happens when people move past the 4Fs.

First of all, it takes a strong mind to achieve clarity. Unsurprisingly, people who have survived abuse do have such minds. Second, it takes time – not only to heal but also to gain perspective. As neuroscientists would tell us, we move from the reactivity of our amygdala into the pre-frontal cortex, our thinking brain.

It’s not a coincidence that many people choose not to speak up in the immediate aftermath of the abuse and wait for years, even decades instead. Besides, speaking up and standing up are not without severe consequences. Abusers are counting on creating confusion and self-doubt. They’re also working actively to silence the other party – discredit them professionally, ostracize them socially, label them as ‘incompetent’, ‘difficult’, ‘promiscuous’, ‘crazy’ – take your pick. By turning the tables in this way, they are becoming the wronged party – and no victim can simultaneously be the bad guy, right?

It takes patience and fortitude to not let any of these labels, and the organizational and societal condoning of abuse, shake your sense of self. You know you’re a survivor when your identity is no longer wrapped up into the past, when you see the abuser as the pathetic little man or woman who had their moment of power and failed to impress anyone, even themselves.