We have often heard that the workplace is like ‘a second family’,
usually with positive connotations of belonging, security, and communication. Indeed,
it has been my observation over the 20+ years of working in many different
cultures that people bring their family dynamics to their workplace – including
their preferred position within the family, approach to solving conflict, and
expectations for closeness or distance in relationships.
However, I always thought this was an empirical observation,
until I recently discovered Dr Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory. Originally
developed in the 1950’s America, the theory has since evolved into a school of
thought and has formed the basis of family therapy. It has a few fundamental principles
that I think make it relevant not only to modern-day family units but also to workplace
‘families’, and, possibly, societies:
1. Dr Bowen tells us that a dyad (couple) is inherently an
unstable relationship because the two people pour an inordinate amount of
attention into one another, and thus, the highs and lows of their everyday
experiences are amplified. Bowen’s preferred term for this is ‘chronic anxiety’,
which seems a bit negative to me, though we can all relate to it.
2. The minimally stable structure is therefore the triangle –
just as a minimally stable chair has to have three legs. This had also been my
lifetime observation as an adult, though I did not express it as it runs
against the society norms for what an ‘ideal relationship’ should look like. When
anxiety increases in a dyad, Bowen says, people’s natural mechanism is to ‘triangle
in’ a third party – usually a child in the family system.
This is a phenomenon I’ve often seen in the corporate
culture, and I even intuitively referred to using the word ‘triangle’ in a
discussion with a line manager once.
3. While triangles cannot be avoided and are not all
unhealthy – sometimes the only solution to a conflict is bringing in a third
party, a supervisor or an informal mediator – it is our task to ‘de-triangle’
ourselves as much as we can and try to solve our conflicts one-to-one. It is
what Bowen calls ‘differentiation’, a hallmark of mental and emotional
maturity. To demonstrate his theory, Bowen went to great lengths to ‘de-triangle’
himself from his parents by refusing to participate in the family gossip, an
amusingly impossible task in my experience.
4. Differentiation is no easy endeavour, and my main issue
with most corporate cultures is that they actively discourage it. One has to adopt
the ‘company values’ (or, most often, pretend to adopt them) to be accepted. In
families, especially in the more dysfunctional ones, we see how the child who
has different opinions gets labelled as the ‘rebellious child’, ‘the odd one out’,
or, in toxic corporate environments, becomes ‘the problem employee’. This
person is either medicalised and coined a diagnosis (a therapist may be triangled
in as part of the process), or labelled ‘incompetent’, ‘morally bankrupt’, etc,
and eventually ostracised as a scapegoat.
5. Scapegoating is an ancient mechanism with biblical rather
than Bowenian origins but it tells us so much about the constancy of the human
psyche over centuries: the community channels all their insecurities and fears
(‘anxieties’) into one recipient of their projected ‘dark side’, who is then cast
away so the members can return to the status quo without having examined
themselves for one second.
Think this is all too esoteric to have any current
relevance? Examine today’s political scene and you will see triangles, projections
and scapegoating in full action.
6. In the family systems theory, this phenomenon is labelled
‘family projection’. I believe that every person who is aiming to grow should
experience this position at least once in their life, as non-enviable as it
sounds. Not in childhood, as it is extremely disempowering and deleterious to
the personality, leaving it with permanent scars, and not in old age either, as
it can lead to irreparable despair, but some time in-between. I was fortunate
to have experienced it once or twice at a time I could handle it, and am all
the stronger for it.
We should also experience the opposite position, that of the
‘favourite child’, or ‘star performer’. It is good for the ego in moderate
doses. But staying stuck in this position, even though advantageous on the
surface, comes with a great risk of ‘un-differentiation’, or, in my understanding,
not growing a healthy sense of self, as we are too dependent on outward
approval to make our own judgements and decisions.
5. I would argue that differentiation is also helped by acquiring
the capacity to move from one position in the system to another without
experiencing a great deal of distress. This flexibility can help lower long-term
anxiety and increase self-efficacy in an individual – however, this is my
personal opinion and not Bowen’s.
Having said that, one position I did not experience, and
find myself yearning for, is that of the ‘overlooked child’. Growing up, I had a
fair amount of positive attention from my family, school system and so on,
though sometimes I was ‘problematic’ in class when I stood up or spoke up.
The overlooked child (often the middle one) is not given
proper attention in their formative years, which they rightfully resent. I nevertheless
see a positive spin to it: having received less pressure and anxiety, they get more
breathing space and the opportunity to individuate. Grown up, these children
can become the ‘observers’ or ‘free thinkers’ of societies. Not easily triangled
or caught up in emotional dramas, observers connect the dots and spot patterns in
human behaviour, leading to theories such as Bowen’s.
6. How did I carve out more space and less attention (or
anxiety) for myself? By taking distance, putting placeholders and boundaries in
my work, and making use of my newly-found time to learn and think, and channel
this thinking into other enterprises, such as coaching. Later on, I may return
to one system or another – but not yet.
7. Would I advise this course for others? Not at all! True
to the principle of differentiation, people should follow their natural
inclination – not the one their family has imprinted on them! – and see where
it takes them. Once in alignment with where they want to be, some shine as the responsible,
mature team leaders, deservedly attracting their peers’ praise. Others become
the innovators and crisis managers regarded with respect rather than contempt …
and yet others take pride and delight in their independence, acquired through a
lifetime of hard, introspective work.
