I believe myself to be lucky in that I tend to experience
very little envy. When emotions are invited at my table, Envy just doesn’t find
much room – her seat is usually taken by Gratitude. The only times I feel
envious is when I’m in the presence of self-assured people. I’m mesmerised by
them – people who know their mind, have strong opinions (which they won’t
change for anyone), know exactly what it is they want and how to go about it.
I, on the other hand, was born a self-doubter and
second-guesser. In my professional life, this may have counted for a few missed
opportunities – for instance, great academic mentors that would have been there
for me … if only I had made up my mind to approach them.
I’m by no means alone in my predicament – more of us than
we’d care to admit do not have it all ‘figured out’. So, what are we to do –
envy ‘the others’ forever? Try to emulate them perhaps?
For my part, I have to confess to a certain stubbornness in
enjoying to swim against the current. So, instead of assertiveness classes and
other training programmes du jour, I
decided to make the most of what I naturally had. One thing I discovered was
that I was pretty good at living with cognitive dissonance – never being too
assured of things, I could hold together contradictory beliefs with relative
ease. I also developed my capacity to accept that people’s (and my) internal
realities don’t always match their behaviours or the image they project – and
I’ve become adept at seeing through that image. Entire working cultures are
built on projections – how much we are buying into the image, as opposed to the
core of truth, depends on our capacity to understand, and live with, cognitive
dissonance.
Those who live in an ‘either/or’, ‘good/bad’, ‘right/wrong’
or ‘us/them’ mindset may be more inclined to take things at face value and find
great comfort in picking a side and developing a whole-hearted affiliation to a
culture – or its image. There’s nothing inherently good or bad about this, but
I would argue that it is the easier way – more automatic, if you will. When we
strive towards finding ways to reconcile opposing views, we’re building our
very own cognitive dialectics. Accepting that ‘different’ need not be a threat
to our psyche, and moving beyond that to take it in and blend it within our
value system, can bring about new perspectives on old issues, and an
exhilarating sense of discovery.
And here’s the funny thing: while doing that, we may find we
experience less inner tension, and – dare I say it? – more self-assuredness …
Meanwhile – what is happening to our strong-minded
counterparts, those we admire and envy? As we’re all moving into middle age,
those who are ageing well are becoming more questioning themselves. It feels
like we’re tracing complementary paths. One day, like stars orbiting each other
in closer and closer circles, we’re bound to converge – however, having become
too comfortable with cognitive dissonance to let go of it, I’d rather that we
don’t …
